Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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