Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
