the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
