we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
We smell like vodka and hangover
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