I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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