any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
