how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
