Plan B is the new Plan A
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
