i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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