i was born a porn star she said
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
