a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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