I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
