he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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