First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
