On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
