Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
