Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
