can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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