So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
