it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
