great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
