A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
