Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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