I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
