My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
