if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
