i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
