Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
