her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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