I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
