Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's blow job season.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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