So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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