wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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