Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
