On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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