Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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