she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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