you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick