i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
