guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?