A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
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I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..