She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
