we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
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You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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