I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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