I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
