Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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