I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's official drugs can't kill me
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.