Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
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I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.