I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??