I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your penis caused this!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
