Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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