Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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