I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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