I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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