Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
