sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
