I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
