the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have tasted many bathrooms
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
