We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
