i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
