I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
