So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
